I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize