I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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