god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize