Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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