Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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