We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
