mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
