Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
