I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize