What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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