Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
