you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
