Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize