I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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