Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
