Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
