Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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