i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
