i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
