i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
