he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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