fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
