its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
