she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize