Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
