mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
