He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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