Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
