If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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