he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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