I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
