How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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