I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
