Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize