please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
