At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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