doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
