She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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