textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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