At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
