dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
