Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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