Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
