I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
