There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
