remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize