He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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