if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
