My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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