I just pynch a tree in the face
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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