Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
