"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
