My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
