Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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