I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
