Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
