I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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