a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize