Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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