i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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