he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
