My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
