it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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