you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
