Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Randomize
