Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
