I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
