Please, let me fuck your mom
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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