How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
its not stalking. its research.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
