No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
